As always, I'm filled with gratitude for those of you who have kept up with me thus far...maybe because you're my friend, maybe because you like my writing, maybe because you're bored and have nothing better to do (ahem...you're probably reading this at work, in which case...). Whatever the reason, thank you. A blog is kind of one sided, and often I wish we were talking over coffee instead, but, nevertheless, I'm glad you're a part of my life, whatever form that may take.
Hope you can make it over to my new place of residence. If I set this up right, you can just click on the link above and it will take you there straight away.
Its not broken computers or red eyes anymore. This recent season has brought a different type of spiritual warfare, and I find myself feeling weaker than ever...and yet stronger through dependence. Someone once told me that we don't pray for God's sake; we pray for ours. Safe to say I'm becoming more and more a person of prayer and dependence.
This a recent journal entry that crams together thoughts as they came that night. Happy interpreting. :)
I've had lots of funny experiences with miscommunication, but never one that has led to this...
The following is a slightly altered reenactment of the conversation between myself and a local pastor on the way home one day. And yes, that would be cocoa powder on Audrey's face to make her look more like my pastor friend. :)
Special thanks to Ro for the videography, Katie for the narration and Audrey for the editing and for being ridiculous enough to put cocoa powder all over your face for a 1 minute video. Gotta love foreign living!
PS - It took me a while to get this video up. I'm actually preaching tomorrow night, so say a prayer. The church is made up of about 60 people, most of which are Hindus interested in this "Jesus" god. I'm speaking about what God has been teaching me...The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; BLESSED be the name of the Lord." The question I will answer is, "But why??" Why do we say He is blessed when there are inconvenient, hurtful, uneasy things going on in our life? Its definitely a question worth taking the time to ponder.
One month ago God moved in the heart of someone very precious to me and she gave me her Mac computer. I had been praying for a Mac for nearly two years.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
For just over a week now I've been in the beautiful country of India, bombarded with all of its interesting sights and smells and people that instantly attached themselves to the strings of my heart.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
Three nights ago someone was using my computer when it crashed. Dead. We tried every trick we knew to revive it but there was nothing.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
As I rode the bus after lunch I sat by an Indian woman named Angela. When the bus assistant came to collect the money I heard God tell me that I should pay her way. 5 rupees, what's that? Maybe $0.10? I tried to get it out in time but the guy came too soon. She handed him the money in her hand, but though I didn't understand the language, his yelling told me she hadn't given enough. I paid her way and stepped off the bus, amazed that I had sensed the whole thing before it happened.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
Three days ago on our very crowded bus ride home, as I was fighting the mob of people to get off at the right stop, I got off only to realize that, in the human traffic jam, someone had stolen my wallet. Cards, cash, driver's license, gone. Our pastor friend rode the bus to the end of the route, checking everyone as they got off. "Rebecca, my dear, I didn't find it," was his only reply.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
For a reason I didn't know at the time, yesterday morning I decided to take some of my personal ATM cards and my passport out of my wallet. When I got back last night, I broke down in tears because I realized that God had forseen what I had not, and had made the loss minimal.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
Last night as I drifted off the sleep, I smiled in satan's face and told him that he could try all he wanted, but I knew whose I was, and that was reason enough for joy.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
This morning I woke up with my left eye almost totally swollen shut. Ever seen the movie Hitch? I looked like Will Smith (minus the gigantic ears). I went to the hospital (they directed me to the Casualty section), and got a prescription.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
I went to the only Apple store around today only to have the man confirm that my computer was, in fact, dead. It would only cost me $180 to fix it but since I had lost over $300 of my personal money yesterday, that was no longer an option.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
This afternoon the infection spread to my right eye also, making me quite the sight to behold. Satan seemed to have given me one swollen eye last night, and knocked me in the other later today, but you know what I told him? "Dude, I WALK BY FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT!"
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!!
And in the meantime, check out the video below of my first night with my team. I've got 5 girls going with me and together, the six of us are gonna storm hell's gates and release freedom in everyone we come in contact with.
We are equipped, we are trained, we are excited, we are nervous, and man, oh, man are we ready!
By the way...
You have NO IDEA how grateful I am for the people that God has put in my life who are surrounding me with prayer, emails, notes of encouragement and love. If you are reading this, that also includes you. Thank you for going to the Father on my behalf. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
When we get to heaven and God asks each of us this question, what will our answer be?
"Well, God, you know the bills I had...
...and that movies are just my way of relaxing..
...and you know how important it is to have a reliable car...
...that I had a lot going on with work...
...that I felt better about myself if I was dressed nice...
...that I wanted to start that conversation, but I just didn't want to blow it...
...and that I just didn't know of a way to give more, do more, go more, or I would have."
I am sosick of excuses. And the most sickening thing of all is that they're all mine! Every last one of them I've presented to God as some measly offering, like I can convince Him of something that even I know is a lie.
We have this one life, which God has graciously given to us on the golden platter of the death of His only Son, and I'm going to spend it watching movies and aimlessly spending money on new clothes and nice dinners?
Oh, Becca, don't be so hard on yourself (or us). We're meant to enjoy this life God has given us.
Agreed! But perhaps our idea of enjoyment is just a little tainted.
Think about Paul's warning to the Corinthians. "If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied."Most to be pitied? Most of our lives aren't pity-worthy, unless it's our own doing. So why would Paul say this? Maybe this life was meant to be dependent upon the hope of the next.
Please don't misunderstand me - I'm not saying our lives should be miserable. But listen...His Kingdom is an upside down one, and that means that while everyone else may see us as miserable, crazy, or peculiar, it is our greatest joy to live as we do. Because, more than anyone else, we should get it. We should get this life of service in God's Kingdom.
God doesn't want religious duty. He's not looking for a bunch of people who feel obligated to give their time, money, resources, or love. He's after our hearts. He intends for this life to be consumed with us understanding His love for us and loving Him in return. When you're really in love, doesn't it effect every part of your life? And doesn't it do so because you want it to? Because it's your joy?
God, I want to fall in love with you all over again.
Confession: I recently spent 4 days at a monastery.
I don't know all the reasons I did it; I just felt like I should, so I did.
Here's a brief journey through my time there.
Day 1
I came in not knowing what to expect. I settled into my room and decided these things: for the next 4 days I will not turn on my phone, computer, ipod, or have any communication with the outside world. I brought only my Bible, my journal, a short Henri Nouwen book and my camera. My spirit was so hungry for this time to get alone with God!
That night Father Gerard taught us the prayer Lectio Divina (meaning Sacred Reading - and it's definitely worth checking out!). He taught us that hearing from God is meant to be like honey on a piece of bread. It is not a double layer chocolate cake, as though we can hear from God once and then stop listening for the rest of our lives. It is just enough to sustain us in the moment, because God means for ongoing communication with us.
pretty cool.
Day 2
Felt led to read Daniel, and after fighting with God about the absurdity of that, I did.
I spent this entire day wandering from my room to the lake to the grove of trees to the bathroom to the garden back to my room, etc. I read, sat, thought, prayed, cried, laughed, and slept...some of those ten times each. And since I had decided not to check my phone, email, or facebook I was suddenly overcome with the desire to do so! Halfway through the day it occurred to me: I have no idea how to be still. I sat under the trees and begin reading Daniel and stopped at 1:8. Actually, the first three words:
AND DANIEL RESOLVED.
It dawned on me how little the idea of resolve has to do with my life. I can't even stay focused at a monastery! But Daniel? He resolved. He committed to not be conformed to the "typical" lifestyle of those around him. And in doing so he found a life visibly fuller than the others, a life abundantly blessed by God.
One of the first things I realized I needed to resolve was simply to make room. To clean house and be okay being still, being with God. I am convinced there is greater fulfillment there than I now know.
Day 3
I don't know what happened over the night, but I woke up this morning and felt like a totally different person. I was no longer wandering about aimlessly, but the entire day became an ongoing conversation with God, like honey on a piece of bread - the perfect amount of sweetness and sustainability for each moment. Whereas the first day was about creating space for God to speak and the second was battling with distractions and obstacles, this day was pure delight! God spoke. He healed. He restored. And when I felt it was time, I turned back to Daniel. I got no further than the next verse:
AND GOD GAVE DANIEL FAVOR.
God's immediate response? Such is the life of the resolved.
Later that day some of the other people at the retreat shared their stories and twice I felt God tell me that something in my journal was also for them. So I did. And through that process this truth came to mind:
I want you to be well, so that you can help others be well, too.
Day 4
By the fourth day, I didn't want to leave! I was scared that I'd get back into society and become the easily distracted self that I was before. And in reality, I still am! But, by the grace of God, and the power He gives me to resolve, I've continued tasting that sweet honeyed bread, and learning to live in the reality that I will always want more and more.
That's ok. God owns the bakeries on a thousand hills.
I didn't write because I knew it was my last few moments to be around this couple, soaking up their wisdom and creative, tireless spirits. Proximity was the gift of the moment.
I didn't write because we spent the evening in the desert, the eclectic group that we were, staring at the stars that I'm sure aren't quite as big in Georgia.
I didn't write because she sat down beside me, with a voice that asked quiet questions but a heart that screamed for companionship. As I half listened and half packed, I winced when she uttered words of heartbreaking dejection: "You have no idea how lonely I've been."
I didn't write because the Arab family that hosted me sat around the table until well after midnight, laughing and carrying on. Though I knew not the language, no one has ever conveyed the meaning of family so well.
I didn't write because we spent the day at the beach, playing cards and getting stung by jellyfish. And it was a great day.
I didn't write because he asked me to go for a walk, and we explored the old steps of Nazareth, the call to prayer filling our ears and the sight of the city below beckoning our minds to distant times.
I didn't write because I have only this one life, and I'm slowly learning the importance of living it exactly where I'm at. Tomorrow I will most likely spend it in a different place with different people. I will eat different food and have different sights before me. (Perhaps I will even spend the day with you.) But for now I am here, and there isn't a more important place I could wish to be. For now I am with these people, and there are no more important people that I could desire to be with. And when life affords the opportunity to pull out my computer and type away while others are sleeping around me, I promise you, I absolutely will. But during the other times, which are far more common, I will ask God to help me immerse myself fully in this moment, with these people, in this place.
Why?
Because the most important place is the place you are right now.
The most important person is the one whose eyes are staring into yours at this moment.
And the most important thing is the thing at hand.
And so continues the life of a vagabond, earnestly seeking to know the depths of the time she's been given.
June 7. Happy Birthday to my wonderful Mother! So glad you were born! No seriously, really glad you were born, because if you weren't, well, wouldn't I be in a fix!?! J I love you a whole, whole lot.
Today I'm running on minimal sleep, in desperate need of a shower, find myself sleeping in two chairs pushed together (thank you Michael Hindes for your comfy office chairs!), and feeling incredibly excited for the next 25 days of my life. And if you know me at all, you know exactly what time it is....training camp time! Day 4, to be precise. Sometimes I wish I could record each moment so you could see exactly what all training camp includes, but I'm sure the only person that would watch that entire video would be my Mom, so I'll refrain. But I do want you to know how special this time is. 3 days ago I watched 14 college students arrive at the Atlanta airport, shy, unsure, awkward, and full of questions. That night we went out on the streets of downtown Atlanta and asked God to direct us to the right people at the right time. I challenged my team to "let God be bigger than what you've allowed Him to be in the past." We had some incredible experiences!
2 days ago we arrived at the AIM base and jumped right in to all kinds of good training. We've talked about laying down our rights and expectations, surrendering our fears and uncertainties to God, getting the most out of community living, and interacting with other cultures.
1 day ago I watched God break barriers in our students as they began to worship freely, to open up and be vulnerable with others on the team, and begin to feel a sense of family. Only God could bring that much growth in 3 days! One girl told us last night that she's experienced so much in the past 3 days that she feels like she could just go home now....which scared me at first but then I realized what she meant.
All of this, and I get the privilege to be a part of it. I have repeatedly felt a sense of guidance from the Father, giving us wisdom and insight, and a heart full of love for these students. Frank Laubach, one of my heroes in the faith, referred to this as being "led by an unseen hand." I absolutely feel that way. We've had to make some hard calls, speak some difficult truths, and been bold in what God has called us to do, but God has faithfully shown His hand in every moment. The result has been beautiful! Nick (my co-leader) and I didn't waste any time going deep with these guys (hey, we only have a month with them!), and in return, they have jumped into this journey themselves.
Tomorrow we head to Israel and begin our ministry there. But clearly, God doesn't want to wait until Israel to start His activity among us. No, He started that long before we all met 4 days ago. I don't consider these summer trips as a "break." I believe that they are an intricate part of the journey that God has each of these students on, and their lives will be forever impacted by this time. I have full confidence that He will continue to move among us as we extend His Kingdom to the people there.
These students might have expected to go on this trip to see some cool sights and accomplish a few service projects, but I see something else. I see the greatness that God has called them to, and a large part of this trip is about what He's going to do in them. Shhh. Don't tell them yet. I enjoy watching their looks of amazement as God rocks their world and leaves them...forever wrecked for the ordinary.
I went for the Novas teams' debriefs in Uganda and South Africa and make a brief trip to Kenya to see the 3 month Real Life team there. Don't feel left out if you didn't know - I kept it hush hush and threatened the life of everyone I told so it would be a complete surprise to all 5 teams. Total success!
Hearing each of their voices and unique perspectives was life for my soul. I love these guys. God is breaking them in beautiful ways. Some subtle, some uncomfortably obvious. I want you to hear the words of one of the students, Lila Dillon. She's been in Swaziland, the most AIDS-ridden country on earth, for 3 months now. I want you to hear her thoughts...and more importantly, I want you to see God's hand at work. Broken beauty.
This is why I love my job.
Normal
I have lived a normal life. I have two parents, two brothers, and a dog. I lived in a house. I went to school K-12. I went to movies on the weekends with my friends. I checked "white", unfortunately, on every standardized test I've taken. I like Coldplay. My life has been pretty stereotypical and predictable. Nothing special. Then God told me to go to Africa and I was enthralled. Finally, I would not be normal. Life would be exciting and not the usual, American mundane. In Africa I'll find adventure. The air will taste new and exciting. Every day will bring something different. In Swaziland, in the most AIDS ridden nation on the planet, I'll see the worst of the worst and be entirely broken and transformed into this selfless, perfect version of myself.
If only that's how it worked. Instead of being struck with how different and out of the ordinary, out of my ordinary, Africa is, I am struck with the normality that I'm beginning to believe pervades all life. There's a rhythm to life, and though it may be faster or slower, or accompanied by different instruments, it's the same throughout the whole planet. As humans, we adapt and acclimate and normalize. It's just what we do. I don't feel different here. I don't act different here. I am the same person here that I am at home. I find myself in the most absurdly un-normal situations behaving as if these things happen to me everyday, as if I grew up like this.
Yesterday I was sitting on a grass mat outside of the round hut made of sticks with a straw roof of an African woman who has AIDS and a daughter and grandson to support eating this strange little fruit called a marula and had to give myself a reality check. This was in no way normal. I do not do this everyday. But somehow, my body and my brain were pretending like I did. Last week Kate and I were driving down the highway in our beat up kombi, windows down, music turned up loud, on the left side of the road, looking out on fields and fields of sugar cane backed by huge blueish green mountains, and I felt just like I do when driving down old 98 looking out over the ocean. It is certainly not the same though. I wake up in the mornings, brush my teeth, get a bowl of cereal. So normal. Except for the miniscule detail that I'm in Swaziland, Africa.
In a way, this normalization is comforting. You begin to feel like you belong here and you no longer feel like such a foreigner. Because of this, Nsoko has started to feel like home. In other ways though, it's uncomfortably disconcerting. Everything begins to become normal. The 10 year old who carries her 1 year old nephew around on her back all the time because both of his parents are dead and he has no one left to take care of him becomes okay. The kids with massive, Santa like bellies and stick skinny arms from malnutrition become simply cute, and not heartbreaking. You hear a story about a mother and child hit and killed on the side of the road by a drunk driver, creating the world's next two orphans, and calmly and unaffectedly place it in the overflowing box labeled "Tragedies" in your head. You see kids playing with dead birds and tampon applicators they dug out of your trash because they have nothing else to play with and continue to think about what exactly you want to do tomorrow.
I'm not okay with this. It's not fine that everything here is normal to me, because it's not normal. Normal isn't destitute poverty. Normal isn't lacking the money it takes to feed your family. Normal is not a 40% rate of HIV/AIDS. Normal is not a country full of orphans. How have I become so hardened and calloused to the heartbreaking lives of the people I have come to love here? How can I look at them and not be overcome with compassion? Why do I have to normalize? It would be worth it to be uncomfortable here for the entire six months if I could only live in the knowledge of the pain that these people feel their whole lives.
